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Vlog #31: July 2020 (Goodbyes)

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While we were still monitoring Lucie's condition, her other leasor played some music to help keep her calm. "Godspeed" by Frank Ocean came on a couple times, and it felt like the best choice for this month. I'm having a lot of thoughts about how to move forward from this, but I will hopefully have an update soon.

Godspeed by Frank Ocean
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv2yNGkNhZc

Godspeed Ambient Loop by Colin Flynn
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljkHRSI4vGQ&t=326s

The Horses Were Racist, Too

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I was going to wait to make this next D&I check in until the end of this quarter, but some things have happened lately that I feel are worth talking about.First, in good news, Eventing Nation published the winners of their essay contest. Apparently everyone got a whopping $200 for sharing their stories. To the disappointment of my denmothers, I didn't end up entering because college has warped how I understand deadlines, but I've been scrolling through the 27 essays with both hesitation and glee. After harsh but fair criticism, it does seem like Eventing Nation/Nation Media is taking conversations about diversity seriously. From what I've been reading, there is a genuine effort to understand racism at more than a surface level. It's exciting to see the conversation shift from "We need diversity. Here's a Black person next to a horse," to a discussion about why existing socioeconomic systems factor into the lack of diversity and quite blatantly expose …

Feel Good

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Classes started up again almost a month ago at this point. Long story short, it's been a looong month. I went to the barn a couple weeks ago and just cried for the last portion of my drive because I felt so overwhelmed by work and school and life. It seems like everything is starting to hit now. Memories are starting to actually feel like memories. Lucie isn't coming back. Blackjack and I are still getting to know each other, but it feels like an okay fit for now. I did have a conversation with my co-leasee and her mother, and Trainer G is open to finding a new horse, especially if both of us are still all in to lease. Both of us are genuinely struggling to feel attached to Blackjack. For me, it feels like more of an obligation and getting my money's worth. Even with another horse, it would likely be the same, but I do want to see this kid happy again. I also found out recently that she's very popular on Instagram, and a new horse would be a nice boost to her stats.That…

The Right Cards

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A general recap of the past few months is in order here.My trainer does mostly private lessons, and the school horses include some of her own along with some that are boarded. Sometime right at the start of the summer, one of her backup school horses left to join his owner out of state. Then her barrel mare got a suspensory injury. And then days before losing Lucie, Molly's owner decided to send her back to the rescue. That left one horse for lessons, which obviously was not sustainable.When Lucie was still actively for sale, I was offered to ride my trainer's old horse, Blackjack, if Lucie ever sold. He was a lesson horse at some point, but he lived with my trainer's mom and was her part-time trail horse. One thing led to another, and he basically ended up sitting in a field, getting fat for a good while. With many sudden changes in the schoolie line up, it was a no brainer to bring him back into work.I hemmed and hawed before paying for a lease this month. It made me fee…

365 in 305

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Some more thoughts on Miami and adulthood.


Growing up is a whole lot of "You don't know until you know." There's no worth in beating yourself up for not understanding something that you haven't done before. I've never been 22 prior to being 22, therefore I can't possibly know what it's like to be 22.
I miss Maryland. I miss D.C. I miss walkable communities, and free museums, and seasons, and gay bars that I can metro to. When I leave Florida, I'm going to miss Cuban food, and iguanas, and people who seem genuinely interested in creating a variety of affordable housing options that don't enhance racial divides. There's a piece of me everywhere I go.
Equestrians are corny.
I'm making more money that I ever have, and I have more bills than I've ever had. Some day, I hope to not be rent burdened. While we're on money, there's absolutely nothing wrong with dropping cash on a pricey hobby, especially if it's something that genuin…

Current State of Mind

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This post is just gonna be a summary of the video above. It was easier to speak candidly and get all my thoughts and feelings out before trying to write it down. Usually I'm the other way around, but I guess things change with age.
Yesterday was my first time going out to the barn since Lucie died. I had planned to still drop by the Monday after, but I woke up that morning and my whole body disagreed with that idea. I distanced that full week and felt guilty for all of it. Both my trainer and the girl I lease with have to regularly go to the barn for work. I've checked in with both of them, but from what I've been told, neither are moving forward easily. To be quite honest, I am not moping or struggling to get through my day, but every time I think of what happened, my chest gets tight, and I distance again.
And I kind of hate the term "moving forward" or "moving on" because I don't like the idea that we're just supposed to move past this, however…

Baby Daddy Candidates

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I wrote and scheduled this before Lucie passed. Thought about deleting it entirely, but it has good energy, and I need that right now.

This is a completely unnecessary post but whaaaa! I wanna baby horsey! I've only hit this point because of a very short conversation that I had with Trainer G about breeding Lucie. Apparently, she considered it after getting ownership, and because there were no horse shows this year, it made sense. Ultimately, she decided to breed her barrel mare, but that doesn't mean that I can't be super obnoxious and make a comprehensive list of every possible, logical match for Miss Lucie.


First, let's take a look at the baby mama. Lucie is an 11 year old off-track Thoroughbred . . . and that's all I know, lol. I've never inquired about her race name or competition history. She has done both hunters and jumpers, but I would personally consider her more of a hunter by her movement and attitude. My favorite aspects of Lucie are her build and …