Current State of Mind

This post is just gonna be a summary of the video above. It was easier to speak candidly and get all my thoughts and feelings out before trying to write it down. Usually I'm the other way around, but I guess things change with age.

Yesterday was my first time going out to the barn since Lucie died. I had planned to still drop by the Monday after, but I woke up that morning and my whole body disagreed with that idea. I distanced that full week and felt guilty for all of it. Both my trainer and the girl I lease with have to regularly go to the barn for work. I've checked in with both of them, but from what I've been told, neither are moving forward easily. To be quite honest, I am not moping or struggling to get through my day, but every time I think of what happened, my chest gets tight, and I distance again.

And I kind of hate the term "moving forward" or "moving on" because I don't like the idea that we're just supposed to move past this, however long it takes. I don't like thinking that I'm supposed to forget about watching my horse die and that it's supposed to stop being painful at some point. Maybe I'm bitter because it's still so fresh, but everything feels wrong. Any attempt to shift back into a "normal" schedule feels like a disservice to Lucie. It also seems disrespectful to start riding a new horse immediately. And even in the moment where I feel like legging up, there is little motivation to do anything more than a feel good walk around the block.

In terms of this platform, there were a number of topics that I wanted to chat about, but much of it feels attached to a different time. Most notably, I was supposed to be done with a brand deal this week, but doing something like that right now would be morally unsound. I think I said in the video that I would try doing whatever felt the least shitty. That was referring to a post on love languages with horses that does give me some solace when I think of it.

In slightly related news, five years ago when I was a senior in high school, we had an assignment in English class where we had to write a letter to a future version of ourselves. She sends them out every year; my brother got his last year. I very clearly remember being depressed and hating myself for the majority of high school. Senior year was the only point where I had a shred of self worth. I hesitated to open the letter because I really didn't want to read a sob story from young me, but today, I finally took a look. It seemed ridiculous to keep putting it off.