2121 Vision

There's a lot I could say about 2020. There's a lot everyone could say about 2020. We're in the middle of interesting times (or "trying times" as every sappy Hulu advertisement likes to say).

This year has been different for me, in good ways and bad ways. I'm still adjusting to being on my own for the first time. I miss Maryland probably every other day at this point. I got through my first year of grad school without any complications. Although, the second year might not progress the same. I lost my horse. It's the first time I've been through something like that, and it hurt in ways that I don't want to repeat.

If I'm being totally honest, my life had a consistent downward spiral after losing Lucie. I couldn't get back on a roll with blogging, despite having so many things I wanted to pursue. I was super excited to start my thesis, but then the semester became incredibly overwhelming and left my research under developed. A lot of my work also felt beneath the quality that I'm used to, and the majority of my classmates were facing the same issue. My mental health slipped very quickly, and my brain and I are currently in the process of reconciling.

This most recent depressive episode did get me thinking. Since moving to Miami, my mental health has been shockingly good, despite how shockingly odd I find South Florida to be. When I was looking back on how 2020 has progressed for me, I realized very quickly that this is the first year since age nine that I haven't felt suicidal. Not even for a second. Even as I was grappling with the Breonna Taylor decision and struggling to sleep at night because my heart was racing with fear, there wasn't any point in time where death felt like the best solution to my ailments.

Related but unrelated: I'm currently considering an emotional support animal

I've been extremely privileged through this pandemic. I kept my job, the barn never closed down, online classes haven't been too boggy, my new house has less roaches, and I live within the delivery radius of my favorite Aldi. And maybe I'm bragging on this one, but . . . a new Dollar General is being built down the street from me, meaning my toiletries are about to get even cheaper. None of this is to say that things have been easy, but they could have been significantly worse when considering what many Americans have endured over the past year.

And, truthfully, if you look at the dumpster fire that is 2020, it wouldn't take much time to realize that certain entities have been adding gasoline since long before the turn of the new year. Not only that, but they have no intention of stopping. I'm not mad at this year - and it's likely the privilege which allows me to say that - but I am enraged with what this year has exposed. I am exhausted with the death and suffering that people from all walks of life are willing to allow. I hate that I wasn't warned before this point. I hate that I was expected to accept this.

That's my take on 2020. Personally, time is fake to me, and the turning of a year never means that much beyond writing the date incorrectly for at least the next four months. I'm glad I tried compassion this year; it was likely healthiest for me to keep calm and look towards a brighter future. I'm trying anger next.