What's not clicking

After my last lesson on Liberty, Trainer G and I made a plan to do a similar jump lesson on Blackjack. It was clear that I knew how to work through the exercises. The next logical step was to do them on the horse that I'm, ya know, actually paying to lease.

Long story short, it did not go well. Blackjack came out pretty amped. He was injected, did a beginner lesson a couple of days later, then my jump lesson maybe a day or two after that. Between the newfound joint mobility and the lack of undersaddle time, he came out pretty fresh and ready. He was very looky, and there were enough things happening outside the arena to hold his attention. It's not a big deal; Liberty was literally the exact same at my last lesson. We worked through it without an issue. What bothers me is that it feels like every time I get on Blackjack, he's amped. It genuinely feels like the horse straight up does not like me or my energy. As much as I try to remain calm, it's getting disheartening to ride a horse that is theoretically "easy" but makes me feel like I'm doing rocket science.

Trainer G let me walk him some more before we jumped into a trot. He had some great forward motion from the get go. It took some half halts and wide turns to channel that energy into an engaged trot. He was even starting to get willingly soft in my hands, which he hasn't done since, like, September. I thought to myself "Yes! This is it! This is the horse that I fell in love with!" Truly, I expected this post to have a much different tone. The canter also required a little bit more of a back and forth conversation about forward motion vs. engaged motion.

The jumping was an absolute mess. Didn't matter what I tried. The approach was off. The landing was messy. I was tipping too far forward. We were bracing against each other. One of the exercises we went through so many times that I don't even want to look at that shit again. It was a canter pole to a small roll top to a canter pole. Literally, the exercise that I perfected on the first try to weeks prior. Not only could I not get it right, but I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. I never talk back in lessons. Like, ever. My last two rides on this horse, I have snapped and defended myself out of pure frustration.

I just . . . hate this. I hate feeling incompetent. I hate watching other people ride him with zero issues. His other leasee doesn't struggle this much and loves Blackjack more than she loved Lucie. For me, it honestly feels like I rushed to fill that hole with a horse that I may not be suited to ride. My trainer keeps saying that when Blackjack and I click, it'll be better. Meanwhile, I'm forced to wonder if we'll ever click considering it's been eight months, and things still aren't working.

If I'm being honest, my favorite rides on Blackjack are when I put him in the cougar bareback pad, take a bunch of golden hour pictures of him, and plod around at a slow trot for 10 mins doing my best to not pick up the reins. It's the only time when it feels like he doesn't resent me or my riding.

I dunno, I'm going to keep trying new things to see if anything sticks. It's just discouraging. I felt good when Trainer G told me what her vision was for Blackjack and me. And it does get me excited to think about doing a hunter derby with him! It gets me so amped up! But, then reality sets in, and I remember that this horse is barely responding to me over a 12" crossrail. Ugh, it's just very disheartening.