Monday, September 2, 2013

Now what?

Oh lawd, prepare yourselves for an emotional rant that may or may not include colorful language.

So, I had my third and most likely final lesson with Miss E this morning. Transportation is too difficult to get. My dad can't take me every Monday because he has work most Mondays, and even when the lessons are after school he still doesn't like the idea of me getting a ride with someone else. Personally, I think he's just being stubborn, but I'm still the child so I have basically no say. The whole idea of riding at Miss E's was so I could be in Pony Club, get a rating, compete, move up my rating, and then have something to present to an upper level rider when I apply for a working student position. Pony Club gives me an advantage over other riders, not to mention it was a part of the tried and true method that was suggested to me by someone who knows what they are doing when it comes to horses and competing.

Now I'm at a point where I have to find a show barn that does shows at a higher level, and there aren't many barns around my area that I know of. The first one that I had in mind was a woman who doesn't have the best reputation as a person, but she is a phenomenal trainer. I was kind of excited about getting in contact with her, but then I realized that her barn is 40 minutes from my house, and my dad would not drive me that far every week. There's another barn right down the street that goes to bigger shows, but my dad doesn't like them, so they're a no. The only other options are a barn that my friend's sister rides at or I have to convince Miss S to go to some bigger shows, but Miss S just isn't that into showing and I doubt she'd trust me alone with one of her horses at a show umpteen miles away.

Anyway, all of this is sort of thrown on top of me after a bad lesson. I hate to use profanity when I write, but, my sitting trot was shit. My jumping was shit. My circles were shit. My hands were mega shit, and the list goes on and on. It doesn't matter how many times a person says, "You did well," or, "That was great!" If one thing goes wrong more than one time within those two hours or so of riding, I quit. I had two refusals today. Read that, TWO REFUSALS. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I was doing basic jump patterns. I jumped the fish, I bended left, I jumped the chess. That was it, but I could barely make it out of the fish alive. The fish was, what, 18" off the ground? I was flopping forward like a fish out of water, and then I was coming up so soon. I can't tell you how many times Miss E yelled, "Stay forward!" I wanted to beat myself over the head with a log. I was so frustrated and angry with how I was riding. Luckily, I didn't take it out on poor Jazzie. She just goes along with me on her back. She doesn't complain, just keeps going. Only time she acts up is when I let her, i.e. the two refusals and her racing towards the jumps.

It makes me want to quit. I can't tell you how many times I have thought of quitting. I'm so sensitive to everything. I just can't take it most days, and I always think that the worst case scenario is going to happen. Be happy that you do not have my mind. I don't know what to do now, or I know but I don't know that I know. I'm lost, just like I was at the beginning. Once again, I have found myself completely and utterly lost and confused.

On the upside, I took my camera with me. No pictures of the baby, but I did have a friendly and semi-attractive model to photograph (just kidding, Shelby, you're beautiful).

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