Thursday, March 26, 2020

Fear, Stress, & Anxiety

This year, I ended up with 12 goals to work on by accident but decided it would be cool to write about one of them each month.

Well, it's March. And I have written about none. Love these habits of mine.

In my defense, I did talk about this topic in a vlog that I have yet to post or edit at all. These three items are a recurring theme on my blog. Partially because I was an angsty teenager while writing the majority of these posts. Also caused because I'm a wuss. The majority of my fears started when I was learning how to canter. One too many jumping accidents also threatened my progress. Ever since my last attempt at a medal course, my brain has been fully in self preservation mode. It took an effort to really feel comfortable approaching a 2'-0" fence. Remember when Music cantered quietly through a four stride line and I almost cried? Cause that's still a very clear feeling that I can never forget.

Miss this chunky wench
I've been very slow with Lucie, despite how safe and level headed she is. I kind of used every excuse with her in order to avoid jumping seriously, and our jump schools don't have many questions or address anything technical other than the occasional flying change. I know it's not asking much of her . . . but it's asking a lot of me. My heart still races a bit. I still tell myself to just sit tall and put my leg on. But I can do this shit on my own. And that feels good and looks good.

The jumps have gone up a couple holes at a time, even if I look like a psycho trying to decide how many holes to put it up. Towards the middle of January, we got a new fence, and the other adult ammy and I decided to measure everything. Turns out, my slowly bumping fences up to arbitrary heights led to me going over 2'-6" fences without a second thought. That's when the weird part happened: with an actual number attached, those fences started to seem scary. Just thinking about them made me anxious.

I guess I just don't get it? I want to show this year. I want to jump. I want to do equitation. I want to do hunters. And I want get around a 2'-6" course at some point in all of that. The number just feels like a weird mental block that I can't wrap my head around. Lucie is great, but I think I'm afraid of being afraid. I don't want to get to the gate and psych myself out. I've wanted this for too long.

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