I believe this is only my third year actually have specific, well noted goals to accomplish over a course of 12 months. Unfortunately, this is my second year having to scratch most of my goals due to life circumstances.
To be quite honest, it's frustrating. I spent the whole year excited to come home and get back to riding the mare. I took the time to plan and prepare, including a back up plan. I knew what I wanted to do for the next two years with a horse that I felt comfortable on and had faith in. Then, at the hands of others, none of that was possible anymore. Getting a text that just started with a "No . . ." crushed me. The things that I'd hoped for and daydreamed about every day while walking to class were gone. On top of that, I hadn't ridden for a while, it was now highly uncertain when I would ride again, I had no new content for this blog and had painfully watched my stats suffer (I do actually care about this thing), and I had hit a very deep emotional low, one I haven't experienced in years.
I grew spiteful. I was angry at everyone and decided that, since other horse people caused so many problems, I didn't want to be well associated with them. I didn't want a trainer. I didn't want someone else's horse. I didn't want anything close to a "barn family" because I felt like that concept had screwed me over more than once. I was going to do it myself. So, I opened my laptop, and I looked a horses for sale, then I looked at their prices, then I looked at my bank account and had to make myself take several seats because
wow that was a
complete over reaction.
After some back and forth, Max came to be, and I know exactly what I want to accomplish with him. I am also looking forward to going back to school in the fall and continuing my work with the equestrian team. I have begun planning for next year, but the process is filled with hesitation because, well, this crap could happen again. There is a lingering sense of dissatisfaction; after all, much of what happened only occurred when I was in school, many hours away and unable to do anything about it. This isn't what I expected, and it's going to take some getting used to.
But I do have goals, and dammit I'm gonna achieve them.
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| Preferably with your cooperation |
I am a planner (As you know) and I loved having very strict plans since I was 14. Whenever those plans were changed it sent my world upside down. I feel like the last 3 years has taught me a lot about being more flexible, and not letting the inevitable plan hiccup or destructo-plan send me on an emotional rollercoaster. It wasn't easy, it was really really hard, and its a daily thing. I think the next couple years you'll find will get easier to deal with.
ReplyDeleteMy mom ingrained in me throughout my childhood that one has to always plan ahead, so I'm guessing it's just something I'll have to grow out of.
DeleteI got burned badly from a "barn family" situation and I still strongly prefer being a hermit at a private barn where I almost never see other people. That first graphic really speaks to me haha :) You will do great with your new goals!
ReplyDeleteI've found that I do well with a very small barn family, but they understand that I will be a hermit several times a week :P That graphic gets applied to so many different situations, and I love it!
DeleteI'm also a planner by nature but am all too familiar with that sinking feeling when things suddenly fall apart. Chin up tho - things (like Max!) have a way of working out one way or another.
ReplyDeleteIt's been less than a week since I wrote this post, and he's already improved by miles! I think I'll always be kinda bummed about how things happened, but we're going places :)
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