I finally managed to get in that private lesson on Molly so I could work on not panicking. The teaching part of the ride got held up because another trainer had to talk to Miss S about renting the indoor during the week, so I spent 30 minutes walking and trotting on my own. It allowed me to get a little bit calm and keep myself together, and Miss S said that I looked calm.
At the trot, we did trotting on a regular rein, a dropped rein, a long rein, without hands, and with my eyes closed—which required long, deep breaths to accomplish.
Once we started cantering, things just went downhill. That's where I stopped with Molly; I wasn't able to canter her because we were both green, and I had 0 body control, and I was starting to get nervous. The walk and the trot are there, for the most part. It's much easier for me to calm myself down and move forward, but, at the canter, all I do is brace. I thought that maybe no stirrup work would help me because it's either relax or fall off, but that would be counter productive.
After that, we did one jump at the trot, something just under 2'0", but high enough to make me worry, and there was a pole in front, and I had to think about a lead, and then there's also that equitation thing, and distances. Jumping seems so simple when you're on a horse that you can trust. That fence was okay, but going from there to the cross bar without an event was impossible. I tried three times, couldn't do it, so Miss S had me do it as a single. It took three more tries before I got it kind of good.
After every fence, all I could do was pull back and pinch my knee because I wanted Molly to stop. Riding her limits me in so many ways, and I wouldn't be so concerned about it if it wasn't affecting how I rode other horses. Cantering and jumping were still issues up until last fall. This one damn horse has had such a lasting negative effect, and I just want to be done with all the fear so that I can move on in my career without worrying that I'm going to get too fast of a horse.
On the plus side, there was no shaking today after I started tacking up. I had a moment of heart racing when we started the jumping, but other than that, bodily convulsions were minimal today.